This has been on my heart for a long time.
My heart was not in the right place when I went to El Salvador. It was focused upon myself instead of Christ. I saw it manifested in my thoughts and actions. I was supposed to be there to love, to help; instead, I made it for my own self-gain.
I did not really love the people there. I had no heart for them. When I saw the children, I did the checkups not with love but for my own experience. I remember thinking more than once, “This is really good for my personal statement.” Even worse, this popped into my head - “I hope this kid that I’m checking up on has something wrong with him - that would be cool.”
I am not proud of the previous statements. But I boast of these weaknesses so that Christ’s power can be so much clearer!
I now understand more when Paul writes about the centrality of love
If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. —1st Corinthians 13:3
Because love does not boast! Love does not say to oneself, “I have done such a good deed.” Love delights not in the fact that oneself has done a good deed; it delights in the fact that the well-being of the other is increased. Love is complete selflessness.
And this is love:
That God loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins!
And on to faith:
Faith is clinging on when doubt and discouragement hits. It is painful for me to have faith. I just want to disbelieve, be discouraged, and give up. But when I choose to have faith, sooner or later, God provides encouragement. He is not dead; he is alive and active! He chooses only to test our faith, because it draws us nearer to him. It makes us depend on him; it makes us want to depend on him.
I know this post makes some of you uncomfortable. But this is Christ in me and I cannot help it. It is true.
